Following the collapse of Bumbuck’s, the once-mighty cardboard edifice reduced to sludge by heavy rain, Banker Bum has ventured into the world of Mismanagement Insultancies and Concultancies (MIC).
We at Clochard Consultancies are committed to helping your employees realise that they are utterly dependant on your goodwill, and that they are only one pay check away from homelessness and destitution.
We aim to show them that they are worthless drones and we promise to crush all positivity within them. We aim to help them realise their lack of potential and destroy their sense of independence.
We guarantee to turn them into hopeless sycophants with no sense of self or self-worth in only one day with out 10-pint plan (beer not included).
1. When you face a setback, give up immediately. Take it as a sign that further problems lay ahead. If you don’t try, you can’t lose.
2. When you face positive people, remind them that a cynic is just an optimist in possession of the facts. Remember that positive people are human too: they just need to grow into healthy pessimism.
3. When you face critics, back down and agree with them that your plan would have been a disaster. Criticise yourself before others can criticise you. Everyone loves a loser.
4. When you wake up in the morning, sigh hopelessly and recognise that you’re nothing special and you’re never going to achieve anything of any importance. Remember that your dreams for your waking life are as ephemeral and unachievable as your sleeping dreams. But also take comfort in the fact that waking up is better than the alternative and that you have cheated death for one more day, or at least a part of it. Only zombies love corpses.
5. When you fail, find the lesson in it, and don’t try again. Everything ends in failure, so accept it quickly.
6. When you consider doing something innovative, note down all the possible ways it can go wrong, and as the Fear of Failure (FOF) grows within you, your Inclination To Act (ITA) will decrease. Fight the ITA with FOF!
7. When positive thoughts crowd your mind, bury them in the weeds of negativity and self-doubt.
Mystic Bum Trinity of Negvana
8. When you want to find a solution, instead identify something to complain about. God is just Dog spelt backwards and every Dog loves a whiner.
9. When you feel positivity creeping up within you, focus on your breathing and the inescapability of death and the futility of life. This is the Path to Negvana.
10. When you feel alone, remember that you are. Repeat the Negvana mantra: There is no God, no meaning, and no point to anything. Everything is nothing.
(Inspired, or anti-inspired, by mismanagement gurufol, Andrew Rondeau.)
PS If you find management gurus as unpleasant as I do, check out Posit Ennui’s Whoopsalot.